Learning About Myself

Both of my mother’s parents were alcoholics. One managed to eek out a bit more life than the other, but the alcoholism never went away. Because of this I don’t think my mother really knew how to be a parent. Growing up I think there was a bit of emotional abuse because of her lack of guidance in parenting, but also because my younger brother is mentally handicapped.

A friend of mine recently shared a link to a list of 25 things that people who have been emotionally abused in childhood do in their adult lives. Some of these I don’t feel apply to me at all, but there are a few that stood out and seem to relate to one another.

  • They can’t stand conflict. Their fight or flight instinct is immediately triggered by sudden loud noises, screaming, or basically any apparent aggression.
  • They are hardly themselves because they will never say anything that another person may not agree with. No matter what, they remain neutral.
  • They hide the ‘bad’ side of themselves from everyone.

I am definitely a neutral ground gal. I try my hardest to see both sides of any situation. I have a few people in my life with whom I disagree vehemently with, but will rarely to never voice my own opinion for fear of losing their love. It’s rather startling to see an explanation of why you are the way you are. Makes me think I should’ve gotten therapy, but then I’m only just now realizing all the shit I went through growing up wasn’t normal and I’m 45.

It’s a struggle, but I cannot change the past. Even if I could, I doubt I would because the path I have followed has brought me to this place where I have amazing people in my life who I love more than I can express to any of them. And if they can put up with me being this fucked up, I guess that can’t be all bad, right?

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