A selfish rant (but aren’t they all?)

I love my friends. I really do. I am thankful every moment of every day for them. Without them, I’d be a pretty fucked up individual and more than likely would not have made it to this age. Two in particular seem to keep me emotionally afloat more than the rest and nothing I’m about to say is a poor reflection of any of them and their friendship.

I was browsing through Pinterest this morning and saw this graphic of words that friends have told me in one form or another over the years and it finally dawned on me why I dislike being told these words. It’s something to the affect of “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” As I saw those words on Pinterest, I realized that I don’t like those words because it feels to me like a nice way of saying, “no matter what you want in life, you’re never going to get it.” I feel like I don’t deserve anything in life – not love, not happiness and I certainly don’t deserve the friends I have – so why bother looking for any of it?

I don’t know the answers to anything. I’m just trying to figure all this out and find a sign that just maybe I do deserve love and happiness and a whole bunch of other stuff and it will happen.

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