I have this tendency of late to push a friend of mine away as I try desperately not to lose the friendship.
Makes a lot of sense, huh?
I had a friend once I met when I frequented Yahoo! Chatrooms. Believe it or not, at one time, they weren’t such a bad place to hang out. I met Denise in the Career Corner chatroom. I think I started hanging out there for new career ideas (when I was still young and stupid), but wound up staying there to help others. I was surprised at the number of kids who would want to know what careers offer six figure incomes right away. Never mind that you should actually like what you do on some level so that you don’t burn out in a few short years. I also had to fend off people who were promoting the then-popular MLMs (multi-level marketing). If you missed the boat with MLMs, they were/are the pyramid scheme of the 21st century.
Oddly enough, Denise was part of an MLM group and despite our initial clashing because of this, we became close friends. But never as close as I hoped we might be. I imagined that at some point we’d meet and hang out a bit, like I had done with other friends, but Denise was married to a man 20 years her senior and would never allow her any visitors. Sadly, Denise and I lost touch. Not because of our inability to meet, but, as I have learned over the years of having many friends through the internet, sometimes friends lose contact.
I was sad when I learned that Denise and I would never meet. We talked on the phone often and we shared a lot together. It was the first time I’d ever experienced a limitation on any kind of friendship.
In some ways, I feel like that may happen with this other friend I currently have. I don’t want to push her away completely, but at the same time, I am afraid that in the end I won’t be able to do much one way or the other. I used to feel we were close, but now I often feel there’s a barrier between us. I’m sure it’s something I have done, but I don’t know how to undo it. I value all of my friendships and to lose this one most especially would be like losing a part of myself.