Lots of things have been crashing around in my brain over the last few weeks and I guess the only way to get things to settle down is to write about things.
I’m going to state the obvious here, just because I can: Friends are very important to me.
Without them, I would not be where I am in life. They are truly the best free therapy in existence, next to owning a dog.
If you are fortunate, you find people who will accept you for who you are – warts and all. I think for the most part, I am indeed fortunate to have found such people.
It is equally important to me to be the best I can be at reciprocating the friendship. For the last 10 years or so, the people who have meant most to me in my life, live nowhere near me. Lately this has really bothered me because I haven’t felt very effective as a friend with thousands of miles between us. I spend a lot of time online and have come to realise that not everyone is like me. People have a life away from the computer, even if I don’t. People have other friends wherever they live. Real friends. Friends who can be there when needed. Friends to do stuff with. In short, better options for friends than me.
I just feel like I’m on the fringes of everyone’s life. I’m on the outside looking in and occasionally the person inside who I know will come to the door and we can chat for a bit.
Then on top of coming to terms with feeling that way, I also have to deal with the fact that I have, for the first time in my life, been just a friend for a reason. That is, I entered someone’s life in order to fulfill a purpose and now that my job is complete, the friendship is no longer sustainable. I’ve been on the receiving end of that kind of friendship, but never this side of things. It’s painful because I hate to lose any friendship, but I cannot force someone to be my friend. Perhaps in the future our paths will cross again, but for now I have to let go.
I try to be thankful for what I have, but it’s not always easy.